I'm Done...

I've done all I can do at this point. I've emailed our story to everyone I could find an email for. It's now in their hands, to decide if our story & situation is worthy or not. I did get 2 responses so far 1 from a local radio station who basically made a recording of what is happening to us to see if listeners might have a house they'd be willing to rent to us - nothing so far. The other was from a local ABC news anchor, she called me Friday afternoon not even 10-15 minutes after she got off the air with the News at Noon. She was so kind & she seemed to genuinely care about our situation. We talked for a good 30-45 minutes, media people sometimes get a bad rap for being there only for the story & ratings - she is so NOT one of them!!! She was passing on our story to one of the weekend anchors, but so far I haven't heard from him. I do hope I hear back from her on Monday, but I do have to be at the auction for the house at 2:30. I also sent an email to ABC's "World News Tonight" - I had seen somewhere that they were working on a story dealing with some of the issues that we've had to deal with so maybe they will be interested. No one can save our home at this point so, I've basically given up hope on that idea, but if our story could help someone else, that would be awesome!!!

I don't like to judge other peoples situations or actions, having not walked in their shoes, but I have got to say that I've seen some stories recently on the news about other families losing half million dollar (or more) homes & my thought is OK, down size. We didn't get into a mortgage that was above our means. We bought our home for $80,000 with a 20yr fixed rate mortgage & our payments were $830/month including taxes & insurance. We got behind when my Mom's medications got out of control. The decision I made to take care of my Mom was what I thought I was supposed to do.

The way we were raised I had always been told that if something bad happens to you that you must have done something to deserve it & that was God's way of punishing you. For the life of me I can't figure out what I've done to get to where we are, which as of Monday will be homeless!!! I know that is irrational thinking to most, but that is what has been drilled in my head for years growing up in our church. No matter how many times someone says that God is not a punishing, vengeful, God, that is what I know & right now I can't see past what's happening to us. I used to think that I was a good person, not perfect, but good. I always try to help other people out when I can, I try to see others' point of view(even though I may not agree), I try not to judge anyone - because regardless of what I may or may not know about them, no one truly knows what inner turmoil someone may be dealing with.

I know that there are people in far worse positions than we are in & I know that things can always get worse. All of this sounds terribly self absorbed, I know, but this is my "therapy session" so I should be able to say whatever I want here - so I will. I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight, who just so happens to be one of the smartest people I know, we have been friends for more than 10 years or so now & we've seen each other through a lot of ups & downs. Anyway, she was raised to believe the same about being punished & now many years later (she's quite a few years older than me & I've always thought of her as an "older sister" or "motherly" type) she subscribes to a whole new way of thinking. As I explained to her how I was being punished, she tried to tell me that I was not & that she knows by this summer I will be looking back & wondering why I ever felt the way I do. I told her that right now I don't even know where we'll be by this summer! She said that if the whole punishing thing is true than that would mean my husband & my daughter are being punished as well & how would that be fair. I told her that my husband is being punished for the same reason I am. I made the decision to keep my Mom here with us because I didn't want to see her in a facility, I thought she'd be better off with us. In the meantime I put the rest of my family at risk, financially, mentally, & emotionally. My husband is being punished because he never told me to put her in a facility, instead he said, "I just want you to be happy". I want to make it clear that this is not a "poor me", I am doing what children of alcoholics do best & that is to rationalize - for everything that is happening in my life there is a perfectly good explanation(rationalization).

I recently finished a video I had been working on since 3/07 for ABC's "Extreme Makeover Home Edition", & sent it in about a week or so ago. I nominated a community based program that helps with disabled & elderly adults, who for whatever reason can't be left home alone. It started out being about me & my family, but after meeting so many of the other families involved in or who are still on the waiting list for this program, it changed me - I truly felt for these families in waiting, we had a lot in common. I'm so hoping that ABC will see my video & decide to come & help the 18 other families that are still on the waiting list. If those families got the help that we never did - that video would be my greatest accomplishment to date (OK it would be #2 right after my daughter!). If our situation brings attention to the whole "Role Reversal - Adult Children Taking Care of Disabled or Elderly Parents" issue than most of what we have been through will have been worth it.

I'm trying to stay faithful & hopeful, but I'm kind of lacking in those right now, but, I do have a few people around me who are full of faith & hope, so I hope that they have enough to carry me through right now. I will probably post again Monday night with the outcome of the foreclosure sale, until then, if you have a little extra faith & hope to spare, please think of my family. Thanks for listening (reading).