Last Post for 2007 *** Looking Forward to a Better 2008

Well, I for one sure can't say I'm sad to see 2007 end!!! It has been one hell of a year & NOT in a good way...

Anyway, it's 11:30pm on the East Coast right now, so I decided I better post one more time this year. Let's see, I've never been really good with New Year's resolutions (keeping them, that is), so I will not be a hypocrite now & make promises I can't or won't keep! I do plan on bringing attention to the situation we have found ourselves in if for no other reason than helping ONE other family from ending up where we are!!! I am still wanting to help others in any way I can, but since our finances are basically non existent, that's not an option. The most precious, valuable thing I have right now is my TIME so I'm trying to come up with ways to make that work for someone else. I know that when my Mom lived with us, I had days & days of NO time for myself, sometimes not even for a shower! I'm thinking about offering my time to other caregivers so that they can have some time of their own! Maybe to go grocery shopping, or get their hair done, or even just take a nap!!! When Mom was here, I couldn't afford to pay for someone to come sit with her so I could take a nap, I had to sleep when she slept (just like you would with a baby!), I had to shower when she was asleep! If I wanted to do something with Brianna, I had to make arrangements for Mom first!

Well, that's all I have right now, this holiday season has been VERY stressful & I'm soooooo glad it's about to be over!!! Here's hoping for a better 2008 for all of us!!! Happy New Year & BE SAFE!!!

Again With the Up ALL Night......

It's been raining here most of the day, which is a good thing since we've been under a severe drought. Typically this would have been a day that would have made me want to stay in bed ALL day, but that wasn't the case. Instead, I spent most of the day on the phone with a woman that I met through my (this) blog. Obviously, we had a lot in common & had a blast talking to each other :)

I never realized how many people are in the "boat" so to speak, with me in regards to Mental Health issues. She is a couple years older than me & is of a different religious affiliation, but other than that there was little to no difference! I'm wondering now, why people, say, back when my Grandmother was younger, didn't talk about these kinds of issues. Everything had to be kept quiet, secretive, let's pretend nothing is wrong. Talking to people who get where I'm coming from makes me feel sooooo much better.

I've lost quite a few friends the past few years because of our situation. Mainly because I couldn't just drop what I was doing & run to the Mall or pack up a picnic lunch & go play at the park. I'm free now, Mom is in a facility, maybe I should give those people a call & we could get together with our kids - NOT!!! I try really hard not to judge others, I wish others would stop judging me for the decisions I've made. I hope that those same people are never in my "boat" because there wouldn't be enough room with all of their opinions....

It's now 6:42 am & I'm STILL up...I need to take the puppies out & get ready for church so there's really no point in trying to sleep right now! I think part of my problem is that I've had to take my Prednisone the past few nights & that tends to keep me awake, but I feel better sooooo....it's definitely a trade off! I have Crohn's disease or Crohn's Disease , anyway, I've had it since I was 16 & for the longest time we never knew where it came from since we where told that it's genetic, & no one in our family has ever had it - I know now that in my case it was definitely stress induced!!! I've got to be honest here, if I had to choose between Crohn's or Mental Illness, I would definitely go with Crohn's, even though it can be extremely painful & debilitating at times, in my case anyway it is manageable! Obviously I'd prefer to have neither, but, we all have our "crosses to bear".....???

If you or someone you know may need more information on Crohn's check this site & get in on the mailing list - they keep you up to date with all the latest treatments... Learn More About Crohn's . I get regular newsletters & I've even gotten coupons for some of the medications(which helps when you have no medical insurance!)

Minor Distractions -vs- Stress - Does It Really Help???

I haven't quite figured that out yet...My Mom is in an Assisted Living Facility so that added stress is gone, but yet I'm still overwhelmed. I know that there isn't anything we can do as far as the foreclosure is concerned, so there's no point in stressing about that, but I am. I don't know exactly how long we have before we will have to be out of here, so I guess that is the hardest part, when you are a control freak - & everything is sooooo out of your control! Being the child of an Alcoholic, I've always been a bit of a perfectionist - if I can't do it right, I just don't do it at all!!!

Some of the things I've done lately to distract myself include, but are not limited to: getting involved in different forums & having conversations that have nothing at all to do with our current situation, I've been reading a book that a friend gave to me Daily Comforts for Caregivers by Pat Samples (although it is one of those daily "type" reads, there have been a few days that I just can't seem to put it down!). I've just done some general looking around the internet to keep my mind occupied & learned different things that I will NEVER need to know anyway - for instance, do you know what the safest form of transportation is? Elevators - there is only 1 death per every 100 million miles traveled! Who knew??? I've been doing some research on how to build up my eBay store Scent Tastic & have actually found something that my husband & I have both agreed is worth looking into, but right now we just don't have the $$$ to invest in it (I'll just store that with the USEFUL information for now!).

Recently I have been told more times than I can count to "Let Go & Let God", that is easier said than done when you've been raised to believe that "God helps those who help themselves". Like I said in my last post - there are soooo many people that I want to help, but I can't even help myself right now - where do I start? I've also been told over & over that "God never gives you more than you can handle", well I'm glad He has such confidence in me, because in my mind I'm already over my limit. Typically, I am very calm & level headed in a crisis, but at this point in time my energy is completely tapped out. The other saying I've heard a lot of lately is "God never takes something away from you without having something better planned for you", right now I think that is just people trying to be nice.

I know that I must have a purpose here, just not exactly sure what (aside from the obvious, which is to be a Mom to my daughter!). I also know that there must be a really good reason for what we are going through, other wise everything I've read lately from the Bible about God being an "All Loving & All Forgiving God" is just not true! I would like to believe that He IS an "All Loving & All Forgiving God"!!!

Having grown up in a house with an Alcoholic Father & a Mentally Ill Mother, I've never really been good at asking for help, because it just wasn't there. We pretty much had to figure out a lot on our own & there is 12 years between me & my sister, so it was like growing up as an only child for each of us. I wish my Grandmother were still alive - She would know what to do!!!

I guess for right now, my purpose is to finish the video I've been working on since 3/07, & hopefully other families won't have to go through what we've been through. I WILL GET THE VIDEO DONE, THIS WEEK, NO MATTER WHAT(with or without anyone else's help)!!!

Sunday I'm going to do my best to get my daughter & myself to Church for both Sunday School & regular Worship & maybe I'll find some answers there, it certainly couldn't hurt at this point anyway!

I'm going to go try to shut my mind off for now & get some sleep - OMG it's 5:02 am & I'm still sitting here.....

I know, I know.....

It's been awhile, I'm still here. I've always be told, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". So I haven't said anything at all. I've had a lot of those days where, you wish you never got out of bed! Although it's not an option for me with an 8 yr old little girl, sometimes I wish it were. There are sooooo many people I know &/or have met recently that I wish I could help, but the truth of the matter is I can't help myself right now, so I'm not much good to any of them either! I so wish my Grandmother were still alive, I need some adult supervision sometimes..... It sounds so ridiculous, but I'm gonna say it anyway, after all, this is MY "therapy session"! When I was a kid - like teen years - I remember thinking "I can't wait to be old enough to be on my own!!!". The truth is that we really need our parents just as much if not more when we are adults &/or parents our selves. The one thing that I know for sure is that I don't want to do to my daughter, what was done to me! My dilemma - how do I avoid that when that is what I know? I don't want to turn into my Mother, but that was my role model as a child. Mental illness runs in my family, how do I avoid the inevitable? Or - is it already too late, have I already been cursed? I think my Mom had mental health issues all of her life, I've made it to 39 & so far have never been diagnosed with anything, does that mean I'm in the clear - or is it right around the corner? I don't really have time to dwell on it, especially when foreclosure is imminent now, the papers from the mortgage company came last week. They say we have 30 days to come up with over $10,000 - not happening! I was doing some cleaning the other day & found a small spot of black mold on the outside of the panel that covers our hot water heater, not sure but I'm thinking there's a lot more behind it!!! Well that would explain my daughters & my cold, allergy, asthma, bronchitis, bouts every 2 weeks or so! For the past few years I've been juggling quite a few balls, a few weeks ago I dropped them all - I need to go pick them up now! Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here & I will try to post more regularly - no guarantees...