{PAUSE} New Outlook.....Venting...

I know that I said I had a "new outlook" the other day, but sometimes you just need to vent! I know life is a constant struggle, no one said it would be easy, God never gives you more than you can handle, there's always someone worse off than me, I have a lot to be grateful for, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, etc., etc., etc. The truth of the matter is that right now I just really need a break! I'm soooo tired of struggling week to week to try & get caught up on bills. I'm tired of hearing people say that money can't buy you happiness, maybe it can't, but it can sure buy you some piece of mind, some security knowing that the electric company isn't going to shut your electric off when you leave to take your child to school, or the repo man isn't going to show up in the middle of the night because you're 3 months behind on your car payment.

Having been raised a specific religious denomination(which I will not mention here, don't want to offend anyone!), I was raised to believe that when bad things happen you are being punished for something you've done wrong. For the life of me, I can't figure out what it is that I've done that is so bad, something soooo unforgivable that we just can not catch a break!

For the past almost 2 full years now I have been my Moms full time caregiver. I made sure that she had healthy meals(although she preferred to live on junk food, which in turn gave her uncontrollable diarrhea, that I would then have to clean up!), I made sure that she had personal products to keep herself clean(although she would regularly refuse to shower), I made sure her laundry was washed regularly(although, again, she would refuse to shower), I made sure that no matter what bills WE had, she ALWAYS had her medications first(although her insurance("Mediscare") wouldn't cover most of them & her income was less than half what her monthly drug bill could be some months!). I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I've never killed anyone, I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone(unless they've hurt someone I love!), I've never turned a friend away when they've been in the middle of their own crisis(I may not be able to help them financially, but I've always been here to listen, comfort, pat them on the back, maybe even crack the occasional joke to make them laugh when they are down, & maybe even give advice if it's a situation where I have personal experience). I've always been a very strong & independent woman(I didn't have a choice, I grew up as an only child until I was 12, in a house with an alcoholic father & a mentally ill mother!), but I am emotionally, mentally, & physically exhausted, I really do not know how much longer I can go on like this, something has to give! My daughter is what gets me out of bed in the morning, she is dependent on me & deserves soooo much better than she has gotten in the past few years!

The other half of this equation is my husband, who is an Over the Road(OTR) truck driver, he has been driving for the past close to 3 years now. He started driving for J&R Schugel in September of this year as a lease driver, which basically means we pay everything ourselves(fuel, taxes, maintenance, insurance, etc.), but supposedly we could make better money as well...I don't know about that yet! Anyway, he's on the road constantly, he's been doing more than 3000 miles per week(the company told him last week that for the month of October he drove more than 14,000 miles, which according to them is a company record!), he's killing himself, sacrificing home time(with his "Daddy's Girl", who misses him terribly!). He was planning on coming home for Thanksgiving, but I don't know if that is going to happen now or not! It will probably be me & Bri & a couple of turkey TV dinners. He never complained the whole time my Mom was living with us(even though her expenses cost us a fortune, which in turn kept him away from home longer & longer!). He has always told me that he just wants me & Bri to be happy & taken care of. In January he was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes & was out on disability for 3-4 months. He has been back to work since May & has probably been home 3 times since. I wish that I could make his life easier, I just don't know how right now.

Enough of the "poor me" doom & gloom, somehow this too shall pass! I don't know how or how soon, but I'm sure it will. I'd like to say that I've survived worse, but I think that this is the worst position I have been in, (there is one time, well two actually that I can think of that were worse as in, 'life threatening' - the first was when I was driving a cab in Norfolk, VA & I picked up a guy who tried to cut my throat & stabbed me in the eye & arm instead, & the second was a few months after that my Ex(boyfriend at the time), who was both alcoholic & bipolar(how ironic right? I know, I hooked up with my Mom & Dad rolled into one!), pulled a gun on me & stuck it in my face & pulled the trigger, but for whatever reason, the gun jammed & I was able to get away, those 2 incidents proved to me that God DOES exist, because I didn't survive those attacks on my own - anyway I will revisit those particularly damaging incidents in later "sessions"!). If you've followed me to this point you deserve a Gold Star! I'm exhausted, & I can ramble! Thanks for letting me vent. Thursday, not so good : ( - hoping Friday is better : ) I talked to a friend of mine tonight who is disabled & is on "Mediscare" & I told her that I would help her navigate the Social Security web site to find herself a better Part D plan(I've learned how to compare drug costs & plan coverage pretty good over the past year!), I'm looking forward to doing that with her, helping someone else takes my mind off of my problems for awhile & makes me feel useful. If anyone else should happen to need help with "Mediscare Part D" let me know, contact me through the 'comment' link & include your email, we could even do it by phone if necessary (I have unlimited long distance). Have a GREAT Friday, & if any of you know a Full time Caregiver, give them a hug & an encouraging word today, they probably really, really, need it!!!