To: Lady in frozen vegetable isle of the grocery store.....

I saw that dirty look, that sneer that you gave my little girl yesterday, & to be quite honest I'm offended that you would judge her without knowing her, think bad of her without asking where such a comment could have come from. I would rather you'd have asked instead of predetermining that she was just wrong for making the offending statement. You see, my Mom is mentally ill & has been living with us on & off for the past 4 years now & my daughter has seen & heard things that most children of her tender age of 8 should never have to deal with. Her innocent comment of "Thank God Grandma's not with us anymore", was simply because I was going to try something new for dinner, something I've never done before, a beef stir fry with an assortment of vegetables. While my Mom was living with us I would have never attempted such a thing because she wouldn't eat vegetables, no matter how I camouflaged them! You have NO idea what we've been through with my Mom, you weren't here to console my daughter while she watched her Grandmother hurl her own feces at me while she berated me with such things as "You F*&%ing B%tch clean up my Sh$t, you F*&%ng Wh&re!!!". You weren't here when I had to explain to her that Grandma could no longer live with us because I couldn't handle her anymore by myself, or try to explain that Grandma is sick "in the head" for lack of a better explanation to an 8 year old little girl, who happens to be "crazy" about her Grandma, & seems to think that her Benadryl will make Grandma better (because when she is sick with allergies we tell her it is congestion in her head!). I know that you aren't the only one that would judge, we are ALL guilty of doing that at some point, I am just hoping that we can ALL give one another a break once in awhile. We ALL have situations & circumstances in our lives that not everyone understands or has ever had to deal with. So the next time you over hear part of a conversation or a comment that causes TRUE concern for someone ask before you judge, or at least think that it could be coming from a place of confusion, sadness, hurt, loss, etc.

My New Beginning.....

Let me start by saying that I am not, nor have I ever wanted to be a writer, so this is completely new to me. If my spelling is off or the lines don't seem to "flow" I apologize in advance. I just feel that some of the things we have endured the past few years may be able to help another family before they get into the situation we are now facing.

Four years ago we (my husband, daughter(4yrs old at the time), & myself) moved to NC. When we came to look at the house we ended up buying, my Mom came with us. My Dad (& I use the term loosely now that I Know what I know, but we'll get to that in another "therapy session" ) had passed away 6yrs prior to this & my Mom had several men in & out of her life since then (again, another session!) While here I innocently asked her if she wanted to move with us. At that point in time she was still living in NJ (where we are originally from) in the house where we (I have a sister who is 12yrs younger than me) grew up, but now that same house was literally falling down around her, it was totally filthy, & completely overwhelming the last time I had visited. To my complete surprise she agreed, I was really just trying to be polite, I had no clue whatsoever that she'd say YES!!! Anyway, I thought to myself, how bad could it be...I am now an adult with a child of my own, we hadn't lived together for many years at this point, & we had (I thought...) both changed! What has transpired since that fateful day has been a "roller coaster" that I have yet been able to get off!!!

When I was somewhere between the ages of 12-16 my Mom had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My Dad on the other hand, had been an Alcoholic long before I was ever born. As a child living in this environment you don't realize anything is wrong, I just thought that everyone lived the way we did. As an adult now moving my Mom in with MY family, I understand more now than ever before. I was ignorant to her illness & wasn't getting the appropriate information from Dr.'s so I decided to do my own research on the net (what a fascinating concept...). It was there that I found a wealth of information, at that point my WHOLE childhood started to make COMPLETE sense, I found myself online reading day & night, I printed out information & took it to the Dr.'s we were dealing with & saying "LOOK, this is my Mom, this was my childhood, this is how we lived, PLEASE help us!" But, little did I know that help was nowhere to be found for my Mom as long as she was not honest with the Psychiatrist's she went through one after another!

Because of time, I need to get to the point of this post, I will go back & re-visit memories, stories, nightmares, etc. in other sessions ;) I just recently had to put my Mom into an Assisted Living Facility in order to maintain my own sanity & save my daughter from my childhood. We are now going to lose our home (it's going into foreclosure) because I had no idea about my Mom & her medical issues & that Medicare would leave a person hanging. When she was signed up for a Medicare Part D plan 2yrs ago, I knew nothing about "the gap" or "doughnut-whole" as it is called & that I would have to choose between paying our Mortgage or paying for Moms medications. I chose her medications, that was what I thought was right & I did it & that's that!!! I don't regret it, if I could go back I would probably make the same decision, I just wish I had been better informed prior to getting to this point! My husband & I have talked about losing the house & have agreed that because of the past 4yrs we don't really have a lot of good memories here anyway, so starting over isn't such a bad idea ;) He's such an awesome guy any other man would have been gone a long, long time ago, saying "your mother's crazy & so are you for putting up with her!!!". I'll post more later, have to take my "babies" out & pick my other baby up from school soon :)