Last Post for 2007 *** Looking Forward to a Better 2008

Well, I for one sure can't say I'm sad to see 2007 end!!! It has been one hell of a year & NOT in a good way...

Anyway, it's 11:30pm on the East Coast right now, so I decided I better post one more time this year. Let's see, I've never been really good with New Year's resolutions (keeping them, that is), so I will not be a hypocrite now & make promises I can't or won't keep! I do plan on bringing attention to the situation we have found ourselves in if for no other reason than helping ONE other family from ending up where we are!!! I am still wanting to help others in any way I can, but since our finances are basically non existent, that's not an option. The most precious, valuable thing I have right now is my TIME so I'm trying to come up with ways to make that work for someone else. I know that when my Mom lived with us, I had days & days of NO time for myself, sometimes not even for a shower! I'm thinking about offering my time to other caregivers so that they can have some time of their own! Maybe to go grocery shopping, or get their hair done, or even just take a nap!!! When Mom was here, I couldn't afford to pay for someone to come sit with her so I could take a nap, I had to sleep when she slept (just like you would with a baby!), I had to shower when she was asleep! If I wanted to do something with Brianna, I had to make arrangements for Mom first!

Well, that's all I have right now, this holiday season has been VERY stressful & I'm soooooo glad it's about to be over!!! Here's hoping for a better 2008 for all of us!!! Happy New Year & BE SAFE!!!

Again With the Up ALL Night......

It's been raining here most of the day, which is a good thing since we've been under a severe drought. Typically this would have been a day that would have made me want to stay in bed ALL day, but that wasn't the case. Instead, I spent most of the day on the phone with a woman that I met through my (this) blog. Obviously, we had a lot in common & had a blast talking to each other :)

I never realized how many people are in the "boat" so to speak, with me in regards to Mental Health issues. She is a couple years older than me & is of a different religious affiliation, but other than that there was little to no difference! I'm wondering now, why people, say, back when my Grandmother was younger, didn't talk about these kinds of issues. Everything had to be kept quiet, secretive, let's pretend nothing is wrong. Talking to people who get where I'm coming from makes me feel sooooo much better.

I've lost quite a few friends the past few years because of our situation. Mainly because I couldn't just drop what I was doing & run to the Mall or pack up a picnic lunch & go play at the park. I'm free now, Mom is in a facility, maybe I should give those people a call & we could get together with our kids - NOT!!! I try really hard not to judge others, I wish others would stop judging me for the decisions I've made. I hope that those same people are never in my "boat" because there wouldn't be enough room with all of their opinions....

It's now 6:42 am & I'm STILL up...I need to take the puppies out & get ready for church so there's really no point in trying to sleep right now! I think part of my problem is that I've had to take my Prednisone the past few nights & that tends to keep me awake, but I feel better sooooo....it's definitely a trade off! I have Crohn's disease or Crohn's Disease , anyway, I've had it since I was 16 & for the longest time we never knew where it came from since we where told that it's genetic, & no one in our family has ever had it - I know now that in my case it was definitely stress induced!!! I've got to be honest here, if I had to choose between Crohn's or Mental Illness, I would definitely go with Crohn's, even though it can be extremely painful & debilitating at times, in my case anyway it is manageable! Obviously I'd prefer to have neither, but, we all have our "crosses to bear".....???

If you or someone you know may need more information on Crohn's check this site & get in on the mailing list - they keep you up to date with all the latest treatments... Learn More About Crohn's . I get regular newsletters & I've even gotten coupons for some of the medications(which helps when you have no medical insurance!)

Minor Distractions -vs- Stress - Does It Really Help???

I haven't quite figured that out yet...My Mom is in an Assisted Living Facility so that added stress is gone, but yet I'm still overwhelmed. I know that there isn't anything we can do as far as the foreclosure is concerned, so there's no point in stressing about that, but I am. I don't know exactly how long we have before we will have to be out of here, so I guess that is the hardest part, when you are a control freak - & everything is sooooo out of your control! Being the child of an Alcoholic, I've always been a bit of a perfectionist - if I can't do it right, I just don't do it at all!!!

Some of the things I've done lately to distract myself include, but are not limited to: getting involved in different forums & having conversations that have nothing at all to do with our current situation, I've been reading a book that a friend gave to me Daily Comforts for Caregivers by Pat Samples (although it is one of those daily "type" reads, there have been a few days that I just can't seem to put it down!). I've just done some general looking around the internet to keep my mind occupied & learned different things that I will NEVER need to know anyway - for instance, do you know what the safest form of transportation is? Elevators - there is only 1 death per every 100 million miles traveled! Who knew??? I've been doing some research on how to build up my eBay store Scent Tastic & have actually found something that my husband & I have both agreed is worth looking into, but right now we just don't have the $$$ to invest in it (I'll just store that with the USEFUL information for now!).

Recently I have been told more times than I can count to "Let Go & Let God", that is easier said than done when you've been raised to believe that "God helps those who help themselves". Like I said in my last post - there are soooo many people that I want to help, but I can't even help myself right now - where do I start? I've also been told over & over that "God never gives you more than you can handle", well I'm glad He has such confidence in me, because in my mind I'm already over my limit. Typically, I am very calm & level headed in a crisis, but at this point in time my energy is completely tapped out. The other saying I've heard a lot of lately is "God never takes something away from you without having something better planned for you", right now I think that is just people trying to be nice.

I know that I must have a purpose here, just not exactly sure what (aside from the obvious, which is to be a Mom to my daughter!). I also know that there must be a really good reason for what we are going through, other wise everything I've read lately from the Bible about God being an "All Loving & All Forgiving God" is just not true! I would like to believe that He IS an "All Loving & All Forgiving God"!!!

Having grown up in a house with an Alcoholic Father & a Mentally Ill Mother, I've never really been good at asking for help, because it just wasn't there. We pretty much had to figure out a lot on our own & there is 12 years between me & my sister, so it was like growing up as an only child for each of us. I wish my Grandmother were still alive - She would know what to do!!!

I guess for right now, my purpose is to finish the video I've been working on since 3/07, & hopefully other families won't have to go through what we've been through. I WILL GET THE VIDEO DONE, THIS WEEK, NO MATTER WHAT(with or without anyone else's help)!!!

Sunday I'm going to do my best to get my daughter & myself to Church for both Sunday School & regular Worship & maybe I'll find some answers there, it certainly couldn't hurt at this point anyway!

I'm going to go try to shut my mind off for now & get some sleep - OMG it's 5:02 am & I'm still sitting here.....

I know, I know.....

It's been awhile, I'm still here. I've always be told, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". So I haven't said anything at all. I've had a lot of those days where, you wish you never got out of bed! Although it's not an option for me with an 8 yr old little girl, sometimes I wish it were. There are sooooo many people I know &/or have met recently that I wish I could help, but the truth of the matter is I can't help myself right now, so I'm not much good to any of them either! I so wish my Grandmother were still alive, I need some adult supervision sometimes..... It sounds so ridiculous, but I'm gonna say it anyway, after all, this is MY "therapy session"! When I was a kid - like teen years - I remember thinking "I can't wait to be old enough to be on my own!!!". The truth is that we really need our parents just as much if not more when we are adults &/or parents our selves. The one thing that I know for sure is that I don't want to do to my daughter, what was done to me! My dilemma - how do I avoid that when that is what I know? I don't want to turn into my Mother, but that was my role model as a child. Mental illness runs in my family, how do I avoid the inevitable? Or - is it already too late, have I already been cursed? I think my Mom had mental health issues all of her life, I've made it to 39 & so far have never been diagnosed with anything, does that mean I'm in the clear - or is it right around the corner? I don't really have time to dwell on it, especially when foreclosure is imminent now, the papers from the mortgage company came last week. They say we have 30 days to come up with over $10,000 - not happening! I was doing some cleaning the other day & found a small spot of black mold on the outside of the panel that covers our hot water heater, not sure but I'm thinking there's a lot more behind it!!! Well that would explain my daughters & my cold, allergy, asthma, bronchitis, bouts every 2 weeks or so! For the past few years I've been juggling quite a few balls, a few weeks ago I dropped them all - I need to go pick them up now! Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here & I will try to post more regularly - no guarantees...

Totally Unrelated Distraction : )

I would like to dedicate this post to a good friend of mine(who happens to be sick as a "dog" right now) & her hubby who both LOVE Rotties, too! You know who you are ; ) Hope you guys are OK!

This particular video has nothing to do with the subject & priority of my blog, BUT, they are my "sweet" distraction in life. This particular video, in my opinion, is EXCELLENT!!! I also LOVE the soundtrack on this one! These are not my dogs nor did I make the video, but the person who did, shares my passion for these beautiful creatures : ) So, for 7:43, sit back, relax, & enjoy : ) Hope you appreciate this one as much as I do.



I own 3 Rottweilers right now. My "Momma" dog is Savanah, & she had 15 puppies this summer. Only 6 survived, although I did everything I could to save the others, they were just too small : ( I did keep 2 of the babies that are pictured to the right, Samson & Samara, & they are PERFECT!!!

With everything we have been & are going through right now, it's hard to be "down" with these guys as loving & "goofy" as they are. They always know how to make you smile : ) Sometimes they are down right hysterical.....

Caregivers & the Holiday "Blues"...I hope these can bring a little cheer : )

Supporting Caregivers Through the Holidays

Caregiving can be particularly isolating for the entire family, particularly when one of the members has Alzheimer’s Disease. Families are often forced to give up social activities as caring becomes more demanding. The awareness of this loss may become more painful during the holidays, when caregivers must miss traditional holiday gatherings. Family and friends can help create a meaningful holiday by keeping the following suggestions in mind when they visit the memory impaired person and their caregiver.

• Call ahead and ask when is a good time to visit. Be flexible.
• Visits should be short and quiet. Too many changes in routine can be upsetting.
• Some behaviors, while they may shock you, may offer an opportunity for the caregiver to explain or express frustration or grief over the change in a loved one.
• Offer help with baking, errands, shopping, decorating. Make it seem like an easy part of your routine and the caregiver may be more likely to accept. "I have to stop at the store anyway, so it would be easy for me to pick something up for you."
• Your greatest gift is your presence. Don’t feel like you must entertain or be entertained.
• Encourage the care-receiver to talk about past memories, if they are able.
• Avoid talking about your personal problems or depressing topics.
• Arrange time to be with the care receiver and allow the caregiver time to get away.
• If you can’t visit during the holidays, send a note or make a phone call. Make sure they know that neither the caregiver nor the care-receiver are forgotten.
• Continue to stay in touch and visit throughout the year.

Adapted from an article by Edna L. Ballard, Duke Family Support Program
Provided by the NC Family Caregiver Support Program





Keeping the Holidays Enjoyable: Tips for Family Caregivers

• Ask for and accept help from family and friends.
• Don’t be afraid to say "NO!"
• Re-evaluate old traditions and family rituals. Do you really want to keep
observing them? Perhaps you can adapt them to your family’s current
needs. Will they be meaningful to the person you are caring for?
• Remember to take care of yourself with good nutrition, exercise, and rest.
• Helping loved ones explore the past can help validate the contributions they
have made throughout their lives. Old photo albums may be a way to
engage them.
• Try to stick to the normal routine as much as possible.
• Delegate tasks. Don’t try to do it all yourself.
• Involve your loved one as much as possible in the preparation, even if it
means simplifying some of your plans.
• Recognize that the holidays may be a difficult time. Set realistic
expectations.
• Stop feeling guilty about the things you cannot change.

Provided by the NC Family Caregiver Support Program



To Make Holiday Time Easier, Think……N.O.E.L.

Note the effect of the environment and
activities on your loved one.

Observe normal routine. To decrease
anxiety and agitation in your loved
one during the holidays, keep his/her
routine as normal as possible.

Expect changes in the way you
celebrate the holidays with your
loved one. Capitalize on skills
and activities that are still enjoyable
to him/her.

Limit the expectations you place
on yourself. If old traditions don’t
work, start new ones.

Tips from Duke Family Support Program provided by NC Family Caregiver Support Program

Caregiver's Bill of Rights

Bipolar Disorder Mental Illness Alcoholism Abuse Medicare


Caregiver's Bill of Rights

I have the right...
to take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of my relative.

I have the right...
to seek help from others even though my relatives may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.

I have the right...
to maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things just for myself.

I have the right...
to get angry, be depressed, and express other difficult feelings occasionally.

I have the right...
to reject any attempts by my relative (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt and/or depression.

I have the right...
to receive consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance from my loved one for what I do, for as long as I offer these qualities in return.

I have the right...
to take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my relative.

I have the right...
to protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me in the time when my relative no longer needs my full-time help.

I have the right...
to expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country, similar strides will be made towards aiding and supporting caregivers.

Author Unknown

Caregivers




Caregiving is not a role people usually choose. It seems to choose us, emerging from events and circumstances beyond our control. Spinal cord injury, debilitation or sudden illness may come without warning. This is a job that cannot be skirted and cannot always be delegated. It can be difficult, physically and emotionally. It can be time-consuming. While caring for loved ones can be enormously satisfying, there are days, it seems, that offer little reward. Caregivers, the men and women who care for family members and loved ones, deserve to be recognized and supported for the vital part they play in the lives of people with paralysis. Caregivers may work in isolation from others in similar circumstances but they share much in common. It is important that caregivers connect with each other, to gain strength and to know that they are not alone. It is essential that caregivers know about tools -- the homecare products and services -- that might make their jobs easier. It's also important that caregivers are aware of community and public resources that offer assistance. Caregivers also need to know that support and respite systems exist to address the well-being and health of caregivers themselves.

By: CR Foundation

A Little Good News For a Change : )

A few weeks ago when my Mom left our house, it wasn't under the best of circumstances. Her mental illness had been getting worse & at the time she wasn't on the proper medication or being seen by a Medical Professional who fully understood her illness.

The morning she left, I had taken her to her regular Dr. for a follow-up. While we were there, I told him about the very long weekend we had just had(see: To: Lady in frozen vegetable isle of the grocery store..... ). He saw the state that she was in & told me to take her over to the ER for an Emergency Psychological Evaluation, I did. When she was taken back, she denied everything & they never even did the psych eval. Instead, she claimed that I had been mistreating &/or neglecting her, which couldn't be further from the truth(I have the bills, receipts, & the fact that we are losing everything we worked for in the past 4 years because I put her needs before ours!). Anyway, I started getting threatening calls from a particular social worker from Adult Protective Services(APS) saying that if I didn't come pick my Mom up from the ER that they would charge me with abandonment. Again I explained to this lady(& I use the word lady to be polite!) what had been going on & that I needed help with my Mom, I could no longer do it by myself. My Mom is the most manipulative person I have ever met & she can be that "sweet little old lady" that she wants everyone to believe she is, that's just not who she is the majority of the time. She has never met a Psychiatrist she couldn't wrap around her little finger in her 45 minutes!!!

To make a long story short, I spoke to one of the ladies who run the Assisted Living Facility that my Mom is in now. Her name is Rebbie & she told me how manipulative my Mom is & how she can be very cruel & how she cries the "blues" to the Dr. when she sees him. She's now accusing the facility of the very same things she said I was doing! She doesn't like the fact that they treat her like a "mental patient" - she IS a mental patient! She claims they are not feeding her - they're feeding her, it's just not what she would like it to be- a continuous flow of JUNK FOOD!!! (see the third paragraph of: {PAUSE} New Outlook.....Venting... ).

I've been told many things about my Mom over the past few years. Including Bipolar disorder(Bipolar disorder) , I've been told she is Schizoaffective(Schizoaffective disorder ), Obsessive Compulsive(Obsessive-compulsive disorder ), & that she has a personality disorder
(Personality disorder). I'm not sure exactly what is going on with her, but whatever it is, she has been this way most of my life. Like I've said before, when you grow up a certain way, you just think that everyone lives like that. I didn't learn until the past few years that what we lived with was anything but normal! My priority now is to make sure my daughter grows up in a healthy, loving home, so that she can become everything she is meant to be!

I'm sorry my Mom has the problems she has, but I am glad that other people (namely the "professionals" who have accused me of doing my Mom wrong!) are now getting it!!! If any of you are dealing with a family member with any of the above mental illnesses, by all means, hold on as long as you can & fight for the help that they need. You also have to know when it is time to let go. It's time for me to let go.

{PAUSE} New Outlook.....Venting...

I know that I said I had a "new outlook" the other day, but sometimes you just need to vent! I know life is a constant struggle, no one said it would be easy, God never gives you more than you can handle, there's always someone worse off than me, I have a lot to be grateful for, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, etc., etc., etc. The truth of the matter is that right now I just really need a break! I'm soooo tired of struggling week to week to try & get caught up on bills. I'm tired of hearing people say that money can't buy you happiness, maybe it can't, but it can sure buy you some piece of mind, some security knowing that the electric company isn't going to shut your electric off when you leave to take your child to school, or the repo man isn't going to show up in the middle of the night because you're 3 months behind on your car payment.

Having been raised a specific religious denomination(which I will not mention here, don't want to offend anyone!), I was raised to believe that when bad things happen you are being punished for something you've done wrong. For the life of me, I can't figure out what it is that I've done that is so bad, something soooo unforgivable that we just can not catch a break!

For the past almost 2 full years now I have been my Moms full time caregiver. I made sure that she had healthy meals(although she preferred to live on junk food, which in turn gave her uncontrollable diarrhea, that I would then have to clean up!), I made sure that she had personal products to keep herself clean(although she would regularly refuse to shower), I made sure her laundry was washed regularly(although, again, she would refuse to shower), I made sure that no matter what bills WE had, she ALWAYS had her medications first(although her insurance("Mediscare") wouldn't cover most of them & her income was less than half what her monthly drug bill could be some months!). I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I've never killed anyone, I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone(unless they've hurt someone I love!), I've never turned a friend away when they've been in the middle of their own crisis(I may not be able to help them financially, but I've always been here to listen, comfort, pat them on the back, maybe even crack the occasional joke to make them laugh when they are down, & maybe even give advice if it's a situation where I have personal experience). I've always been a very strong & independent woman(I didn't have a choice, I grew up as an only child until I was 12, in a house with an alcoholic father & a mentally ill mother!), but I am emotionally, mentally, & physically exhausted, I really do not know how much longer I can go on like this, something has to give! My daughter is what gets me out of bed in the morning, she is dependent on me & deserves soooo much better than she has gotten in the past few years!

The other half of this equation is my husband, who is an Over the Road(OTR) truck driver, he has been driving for the past close to 3 years now. He started driving for J&R Schugel in September of this year as a lease driver, which basically means we pay everything ourselves(fuel, taxes, maintenance, insurance, etc.), but supposedly we could make better money as well...I don't know about that yet! Anyway, he's on the road constantly, he's been doing more than 3000 miles per week(the company told him last week that for the month of October he drove more than 14,000 miles, which according to them is a company record!), he's killing himself, sacrificing home time(with his "Daddy's Girl", who misses him terribly!). He was planning on coming home for Thanksgiving, but I don't know if that is going to happen now or not! It will probably be me & Bri & a couple of turkey TV dinners. He never complained the whole time my Mom was living with us(even though her expenses cost us a fortune, which in turn kept him away from home longer & longer!). He has always told me that he just wants me & Bri to be happy & taken care of. In January he was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes & was out on disability for 3-4 months. He has been back to work since May & has probably been home 3 times since. I wish that I could make his life easier, I just don't know how right now.

Enough of the "poor me" doom & gloom, somehow this too shall pass! I don't know how or how soon, but I'm sure it will. I'd like to say that I've survived worse, but I think that this is the worst position I have been in, (there is one time, well two actually that I can think of that were worse as in, 'life threatening' - the first was when I was driving a cab in Norfolk, VA & I picked up a guy who tried to cut my throat & stabbed me in the eye & arm instead, & the second was a few months after that my Ex(boyfriend at the time), who was both alcoholic & bipolar(how ironic right? I know, I hooked up with my Mom & Dad rolled into one!), pulled a gun on me & stuck it in my face & pulled the trigger, but for whatever reason, the gun jammed & I was able to get away, those 2 incidents proved to me that God DOES exist, because I didn't survive those attacks on my own - anyway I will revisit those particularly damaging incidents in later "sessions"!). If you've followed me to this point you deserve a Gold Star! I'm exhausted, & I can ramble! Thanks for letting me vent. Thursday, not so good : ( - hoping Friday is better : ) I talked to a friend of mine tonight who is disabled & is on "Mediscare" & I told her that I would help her navigate the Social Security web site to find herself a better Part D plan(I've learned how to compare drug costs & plan coverage pretty good over the past year!), I'm looking forward to doing that with her, helping someone else takes my mind off of my problems for awhile & makes me feel useful. If anyone else should happen to need help with "Mediscare Part D" let me know, contact me through the 'comment' link & include your email, we could even do it by phone if necessary (I have unlimited long distance). Have a GREAT Friday, & if any of you know a Full time Caregiver, give them a hug & an encouraging word today, they probably really, really, need it!!!

November is National Alzheimer's Disease Awareness Month AND National Family Caregiver Month

Families provide at least 80% of all long term care - an enormous contribution to the long term care system. In North Carolina, 1.7 million adults are caring for an older person - more than 28% of the adult population. Over 40% of North Carolina caregivers take care of someone with a memory disorder like Alzheimer's disease. Their "care-giving career" will last an average of 8 years, but may last as long as 20.

One in ten Americans say that they have a family member with Alzheimer's & one in three know someone with the disease. Alzheimer's disease is now the fifth leading cause of death in the US following heart disease, cancer, cerebrovascular disease, & chronic lower respiratory diseases.

In North Carolina alone, an estimated 132,000 have the disease. Over the next 20 years, this number is expected to increase to 253,000 residents. More than 70% of people with Alzheimer's disease live at home & are cared for by family & friends.

Here in Franklin County, North Carolina on November 8 from 5:45 - 7pm you are invited to attend "Candlelight Reflections" on the steps of the Franklin County Courthouse. For more information you can email me through the "comments" link or you can contact your local area Alzheimer's Association Chapter, or your regional area Agency on Aging & ask about other National Alzheimer's Disease Awareness Month & Family Caregiver Month activities & programs.

To Brianna, My Daughter & My Hero.....

I hope that someday you will be able to understand why I did what I did with Grandma. I let her live with us for you because I wanted you to have a relationship with your Grandma like I had with mine. I had Grandma put into an Assisted Living Facility for you because I didn't want you to be exposed to the constant tension, drama, & fighting. I know that you love her & miss being able to play with her when she was here, but I couldn't expose you to anymore than you had already seen (which was probably too much!). I'm sorry if at any time you were scared or confused about what was going on & I PROMISE not to impose my childhood nightmares on you ever again! I love you more than I knew I'd ever be able to love anyone & I want you to grow up healthy & happy, knowing that you can do & be anything your heart desires. I'm sooooo proud of how well you are doing in school so far this year, this was your best report card ever & I know you will be able to keep it up! I love you Bub ;)

My New Outlook...

With everything that we have been through in the past few years it's hard to "think positive", but I'm really, really, trying. Sometimes it's easier said than done & when I catch myself thinking all "doom & gloom" I quickly try doing something for/with my daughter because she's almost always upbeat & positive. I know that a lot of that is because of her age & innocence, but on the other hand it makes me feel like maybe everything we've been through with my Mom hasn't affected her as much as I thought :) So because of & for Brianna this song is going to be my new outlook on our new beginning!!!



With my Mom in an Assisted Living Facility, we are now able to do more things without having to worry about her being home alone. Tonight we went to a church youth group & my daughter LOVED it & can't wait until next week to do it again! I guess we now belong to this church because they asked my daughter if she would be the Angel in their Christmas Play...there was no way she would turn that down, she LOVES playing "dress up"! I appreciated just being able to get out of the house & not having to watch the time because I had to get back to give Mom her meds. or because I couldn't leave her for more than an hour or two because she would get herself into some kind of trouble! I've been wanting to get my daughter into some outside activities for awhile & now we can actually do that. I don't know how long we will be here with foreclosure looming, but it's a great start of something new. Tonight was good :)

Here's Another...Please pass the Kleenex : (

This is another reminder of what I didn't have, I think I need to say here that I'm not bitter, just sad - wish things could have been different.

My Sister & I joke about our childhood now, I guess if we didn't we'd be crying a lot!!! It's funny how innocent & trusting children are. We never realized as children that we lived any differently than anyone else. I guess it came to me sometime in High School, going to other kids houses & seeing their Mom actually up & interacting with them (ours spent weeks at a time in bed) in a loving & "motherly" way (I didn't know that didn't mean calling names, throwing things at, or throwing me into walls!) & their Dad playing games with them or just hanging out & having general conversation (ours was almost always drunk by the time he came home from work & almost never had anything nice to say to me!). I remember coming home from school when I was in Kindergarten (we were on split session & I went in the morning so I was home by 12:30) & my Mom would make me go to bed with her (she'd mostly make me lay on the floor because I "wiggled" too much) until "Dad" came home from work around 4:30-5:00 (drunk, didn't quite get it then, but...).

Right now there is NO ONE else in the entire world I would rather hang out with than my daughter. Her laugh is infectious. She's kind & loving. She has the most active imagination. She's just a blast to be with : ) I look forward to her coming home from school. We LOVE to have sleepovers in the "Mommy - Baby Bed" & watch scary movies together. She LOVES to read with me. We LOVE to play with our puppies together (she copies everything I do with them : ) I can't imagine EVER doing to her the things that were done to me as a child. Don't get me wrong, she is 8 & she does have her bad days, we all do, but for the most part, she's a very good kid & I am truly Blessed to have been given the opportunity to be part of her life!!! She has definitely saved me from myself, there was a period of time when I was on a self-destructive path, I don't know where I'd be now if it weren't for my daughter!

"Daddy's Girl" & What I Missed.....

Having an 8 year old little girl, who just so happens to be a "Daddy's Girl", I've downloaded quite a few songs that represent just that. I'm not quite sure why this particular song gets to me the way it does, but.....

My relationship with my "Dad" just wasn't anything close to that & I sometimes think why wasn't I good enough? I'm 39 now & only just found out about 1 1/2 years ago that an incident that happened when I was somewhere between the ages of 9 & 12 was actually molestation. I knew when it happened that it wasn't right & it made me uncomfortable. After that incident I don't believe I ever hugged or kissed my "Dad" again. When I look at my daughter & my husband now, I realize how much I missed & I'm envious of my daughter because of the relationship she has with her Daddy.

When my daughter started Kindergarten, we were having some problems with behavioral issues (mainly because of what she had been exposed to with my Mom) & we were referred to a therapist. That is when I found out that what my "Dad" had done to me was molestation. To the best of my knowledge it only happened once, but it was once too many!!! I grew up from that point on with my "Dad" calling me an F-ing whore or slut almost daily until the time that I moved out of my parents house at 19. My "Dad" passed away 10 years ago this past August 22. I never got to tell him the damage he had done, I hope he knows now.....

To: Lady in frozen vegetable isle of the grocery store.....

I saw that dirty look, that sneer that you gave my little girl yesterday, & to be quite honest I'm offended that you would judge her without knowing her, think bad of her without asking where such a comment could have come from. I would rather you'd have asked instead of predetermining that she was just wrong for making the offending statement. You see, my Mom is mentally ill & has been living with us on & off for the past 4 years now & my daughter has seen & heard things that most children of her tender age of 8 should never have to deal with. Her innocent comment of "Thank God Grandma's not with us anymore", was simply because I was going to try something new for dinner, something I've never done before, a beef stir fry with an assortment of vegetables. While my Mom was living with us I would have never attempted such a thing because she wouldn't eat vegetables, no matter how I camouflaged them! You have NO idea what we've been through with my Mom, you weren't here to console my daughter while she watched her Grandmother hurl her own feces at me while she berated me with such things as "You F*&%ing B%tch clean up my Sh$t, you F*&%ng Wh&re!!!". You weren't here when I had to explain to her that Grandma could no longer live with us because I couldn't handle her anymore by myself, or try to explain that Grandma is sick "in the head" for lack of a better explanation to an 8 year old little girl, who happens to be "crazy" about her Grandma, & seems to think that her Benadryl will make Grandma better (because when she is sick with allergies we tell her it is congestion in her head!). I know that you aren't the only one that would judge, we are ALL guilty of doing that at some point, I am just hoping that we can ALL give one another a break once in awhile. We ALL have situations & circumstances in our lives that not everyone understands or has ever had to deal with. So the next time you over hear part of a conversation or a comment that causes TRUE concern for someone ask before you judge, or at least think that it could be coming from a place of confusion, sadness, hurt, loss, etc.

My New Beginning.....

Let me start by saying that I am not, nor have I ever wanted to be a writer, so this is completely new to me. If my spelling is off or the lines don't seem to "flow" I apologize in advance. I just feel that some of the things we have endured the past few years may be able to help another family before they get into the situation we are now facing.

Four years ago we (my husband, daughter(4yrs old at the time), & myself) moved to NC. When we came to look at the house we ended up buying, my Mom came with us. My Dad (& I use the term loosely now that I Know what I know, but we'll get to that in another "therapy session" ) had passed away 6yrs prior to this & my Mom had several men in & out of her life since then (again, another session!) While here I innocently asked her if she wanted to move with us. At that point in time she was still living in NJ (where we are originally from) in the house where we (I have a sister who is 12yrs younger than me) grew up, but now that same house was literally falling down around her, it was totally filthy, & completely overwhelming the last time I had visited. To my complete surprise she agreed, I was really just trying to be polite, I had no clue whatsoever that she'd say YES!!! Anyway, I thought to myself, how bad could it be...I am now an adult with a child of my own, we hadn't lived together for many years at this point, & we had (I thought...) both changed! What has transpired since that fateful day has been a "roller coaster" that I have yet been able to get off!!!

When I was somewhere between the ages of 12-16 my Mom had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. My Dad on the other hand, had been an Alcoholic long before I was ever born. As a child living in this environment you don't realize anything is wrong, I just thought that everyone lived the way we did. As an adult now moving my Mom in with MY family, I understand more now than ever before. I was ignorant to her illness & wasn't getting the appropriate information from Dr.'s so I decided to do my own research on the net (what a fascinating concept...). It was there that I found a wealth of information, at that point my WHOLE childhood started to make COMPLETE sense, I found myself online reading day & night, I printed out information & took it to the Dr.'s we were dealing with & saying "LOOK, this is my Mom, this was my childhood, this is how we lived, PLEASE help us!" But, little did I know that help was nowhere to be found for my Mom as long as she was not honest with the Psychiatrist's she went through one after another!

Because of time, I need to get to the point of this post, I will go back & re-visit memories, stories, nightmares, etc. in other sessions ;) I just recently had to put my Mom into an Assisted Living Facility in order to maintain my own sanity & save my daughter from my childhood. We are now going to lose our home (it's going into foreclosure) because I had no idea about my Mom & her medical issues & that Medicare would leave a person hanging. When she was signed up for a Medicare Part D plan 2yrs ago, I knew nothing about "the gap" or "doughnut-whole" as it is called & that I would have to choose between paying our Mortgage or paying for Moms medications. I chose her medications, that was what I thought was right & I did it & that's that!!! I don't regret it, if I could go back I would probably make the same decision, I just wish I had been better informed prior to getting to this point! My husband & I have talked about losing the house & have agreed that because of the past 4yrs we don't really have a lot of good memories here anyway, so starting over isn't such a bad idea ;) He's such an awesome guy any other man would have been gone a long, long time ago, saying "your mother's crazy & so are you for putting up with her!!!". I'll post more later, have to take my "babies" out & pick my other baby up from school soon :)